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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Reflecting...

Sometimes...
I look back at old pictures and look at my pictures now and think how much my life has changed, how much my heart has changed, my opinions, my beliefs, my wants and needs in this crazy world. I wonder am I the same old me? Because I liked who i was...and then i realize i am the same old Hope. Just a much better Hope.

When I was 17...
I was naive, immature, a young lover, and a free spirit. To top it off, i thought i knew what i wanted, what my heart aspired to be, and who i was. Little did i know, i was wrong, and essentially got it all wrong.  I used to dream of studying abroad, living in other countries and traveling the world. Those were my dreams...But i wanted the best of both worlds. I wanted to be in love (with my first love), i wanted to be around my family, my friends, be in college, become a teacher and make a difference in children's lives. My heart was being tugged in different directions, and i was confused as most young people are. I used to contemplate up and leaving the life i was living and start somewhere new, somewhere fresh. But i was really running away. Running from the fears this world presents, running from uncertainties, and essentially running away from what my heart really wanted. I didn't pray, or ask God where I should be. Instead I focused on exterior sources in life to decide for me. No wonder I got it all wrong.

Over the next 5 of years I became a young woman. I learned a lot about life and love. I learned who my true friends were, I learned to follow my heart and my dreams. I learned how to listen to what God was putting on my heart, how to face my fears, trust and believe in the people God had presented to me. Throughout the years of learning, changing and growing, i did experience pain, hurt and changes. I lost my Grandma in this time and was shocked, sad and almost felt a sense of being lost for a while. I felt heartbreak from my first love and had to learn to trust that what God had planned for me was not all i had thought it would be. I learned to move on, trust others' words of wisdom and essentially find myself again. I learned to be who i am and love myself for all parts of my heart-including the scared, fearful part that I tried to hide. 

At 21...
I met this lovely man. At the point of wanting to give up on love, my dreams and hopes..God literally handed this man to me on a silver platter. He was EVERYTHING my heart tried to run away from. He was soon to be the rock, the dad, the family man, the Husband, the best friend, and real love my heart wanted all along. I didn't need the studying abroad, the experiences, the single life, the partying etc. This is what I needed. Someone to finally open my heart up to, in a real and honest way. It was scary. Trust me. I tried to run, but he kept holding on and somehow by the grace of God, this man found me, shaped me and made me who I am today. This sounds corny. And i'm not sugar coating anything. We do fight, we do bicker, we do want to push each other down the stairs sometimes haha, but at the end of the day...My life is changed for the better because of the moment he walked into my life. On a bridge, on March 12th, during the first thunderstorm of the Spring season...okay, i won't keep going. Regardless. I've learned to trust because of this man. 

When I was 23...

This little boy changed my heart even more. And its true when they say you think you love your Husband more than anything until a little boy steals your heart. Levi literally confirmed what God had been placing on my heart for so many years. I knew in this moment, this is where i belonged. This is what my heart aspired to be: A wife, and a mother. All my dreams and aspirations are secondary to being a Mom and a wife. The moment I saw him (sober the next morning, after the strong meds wore off haha) I literally melted. I cried and just held this sweet bundle of joy all day. I listened to him coo, cry such a sweet cry, and watched him until I fell asleep. It was so surreal that this little boy was mine. Forever. Having Levi in my life reminds me how lucky I am. It reminds me how all the growing pains in my life have led me here to this. Being a mom is such a blessing and a privilege.  Watching your baby accomplish so many firsts and having him choose you to snuggle, or kiss or laugh with is like fireworks going off in your heart. I cannot wait for my sisters to experience this one day. 

At 24...

I am understood. I am happy. I am fortunate. I am excited to see where my life is headed. I have no regrets. I have love in all pockets of my life. I am blessed every day to be able to love my Husband and grow closer to him. I am blessed to have a sweet little boy to encourage and praise throughout his days. I blessed to have the faith to trust in God and what he has in store for me. I am still the same old Hope. I have the same interests, sense of humor, loving heart. But now I am clear about what i want out of life, and where I want my life to go. 



Take a moment in your day to reflect on how far you've come in your life. Not just in your career, or your travels. Reflect on how much your heart has changed, and where you want your life to go. Aspire to be all that God has placed in your heart to be and you are bound to be happy.
xoxo
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