Today is probably the first day I feel rested, relaxed and actually on break. Yes we went on vacation, but I quickly learned what vacation was like with a two and a half year old. ;) There wasn't a lot of resting and relaxation going on. It was more like Levi's vacation. Up at 6 am jumping on our bed/falling off his in the middle of the night, tears after tears when it was time to leave the beach, running from us every. time. we. put. him. down. Going into it I had high expectations I think. I quickly realized that family vacations are better with a Grandma there ;) And maybe not 7 months pregnant.
With all of that said, it was such a joy to actually all be together for once. Josh's schedule has been insane the past 9 months it seems, as well as mine with school. So despite the madness and mood swings from a little blue eyed boy, we made memories. Levi experienced what it was like jumping in the waves, and my heart about exploded with happiness hearing a laugh I've never heard before coming from him. It was pure, elated joy he felt and we gave him that, we gave him that experience. He was extremely satisfied with unlimited sand to roll around in and play in, which was a plus when we wanted to just sit and breathe in the ocean air for a few minutes at a time. Levi ran up to numerous people saying hi, blowing kisses and hugging them. What a lover that boy is. He grew a liking towards airplanes as we saw the military jets fly over us numerous times. He would wave and chase the airplane then blow kisses to the airplane as it disappeared in the clouds. He learned that chasing seagulls may come second best to jumping in waves.
I was so happy that Josh was around for a solid week. Levi who always wants me, exhaustingly asks for Mommy 24/7 actually wanted Daddy to sleep next to him, play with him, swim with him etc. The cutest thing that just about melted me to the ground was when Levi always waited for Josh or I with a "Come on Mommy, Come on Daddy" so we were all together, then he reached for both of our hands every time we went on a walk. Even more heart melting was when he wanted to sit in the middle of us in our bed and he pushed our heads together to hug and kiss. Did I tell you this boy is a lover? He loved us all being together and it was enough to bring me to tears because sometimes I forget how much Levi knows and understands. He understood us all being together and it made him truly happy. So there it is. Vacations can be messy, chaotic, not relaxing, frustrating and limiting with a toddler, but if the outcome is a little boy being truly happy that him, mommy and daddy are all together then my heart is full. I would do crazy every single day to experience the feeling of being wanted and needed. His ability to love and his really pure and kind heart makes me that much more excited to give him a sister. She is already so lucky and neither of them know it yet.
If I think about what really matters, it was a wonderful trip and I am so glad we took it.
Currently being 7 months pregnant, I am realizing this is all real and will be actually happening in a few months. This, being a baby girl. I always pushed myself from getting super excited and consuming my every day with this new baby when it came to the room, the registry, the prepping etc. Now that it is almost Summer and we all know summer flies by here in Ohio I am needing to buckle down. I am thankful I am having a great pregnancy so far and still have energy to get things done. I start my online summer class in a week, so much for a break! So this week I have to use my time wisely. I have met three of the four midwives so far and I love each and every one of them. They are all unique and different in their own way but all have in common what's important. I love the stability and not being afraid to ask questions, and its refreshing that there is a common ground when it comes to Lily making her way into this world. However it happens, I am at peace with the women I chose to be taking care of us. I am now going every two weeks and my next visit I meet with the OB the midwives use. I've been prepped that he will give me a full and detailed VBAC consult and consent. I will also be asked to schedule a C-Section at term, which is my choice, but that will be their advice as the success of having a VBAC decreases after 40 weeks. This gave me a bit of anxiety, but I know I have no control ultimately how this goes down. I am anxious to meet the doctor to get his opinion, but I know it is important and I like that the option of meeting the doctor is even available to me. I am not spending my days stressing or worrying about how Lily will come into this world. Instead I am confident that she will come the way she is meant to and I trust those providing care for me to help me make the best decision for us.
With that being said, I am trying to get my butt out walking more with the more consistent weather we are having. Our pool also just opened so I am looking forward to getting some laps in too.
The baby shower invites went out. I am really excited to actually celebrate this baby girl. It is definitely harder with a toddler running around to meditate on being pregnant. Usually its not until late at night when I feel her tumbling around that I actually smile and talk to her.
I am experiencing lots of emotions about bringing a new baby into our family. I have such a connection and bond with Levi that almost seems incomparable to anything else in this world. Will I have just as much of a bond with Lily? Will she get as much love from me that Levi has had these past two and a half years? I know ultimately the answer is yes. But the emotions are still there. I hope to be as perfect in Lily's eyes as I am in Levi's. I hope Levi adjusts well and still knows how much I love him. I get a pang in my heart when I think about how Levi won't remember the times we've had just me and him. He won't remember the early morning dancing in the kitchen cooking breakfast, cuddling to Sesame Street, daily outings to play and explore, bath time giggles, me kissing his boo boos, our love for reading we share, the multiple crafts we do where he wants me to be right by his side, the clean up dance we do every morning when making his bed and picking up his room, the drives on the back roads with the windows down just talking to each other...etc. He won't remember any of that. It makes me sad. But I have those memories in my heart. We have lots of pictures, evidence of his first scribbles to his elaborate colorful paintings hanging up, and many years to make more as a family of four.
I think as a first time Mom we all have those thoughts like "Will I be a good Mom?" And of course the answer is yes.
Second time Moms like myself have thoughts like "Will I be just as good a Mom to Lily as I am to Levi?"
I just pray every day that God gives me the tools and the room in my heart to raise two children and give them both the love they deserve.
If I can make one baby happy and adore me then I can make another one, right? :)