Wednesday, February 6, 2013

"Grandmas & Grandpas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever." 
If anyone knows our family they know what is going on with my Grandpa. My Grandpa's electrolytes are way off and his body is giving out way too fast--he has made it clear while he was healthy that he absolutely does not want to receive anything to prolong his life--so we are left with just that. Waiting... 

We lost our Grandma on December 23, 2010 to cancer. The doctors caught it so late, she only was given a week to live. After thinking it was depression, then diabetes, then this or was eventually cancer. Our family was shocked, scared, frustrated and lost. Our family from all over (uncles & cousins)rallied together, taking last minute flights, driving 14 hrs to be there right after her "sentence" was given to be by her side. My grandma wanted to be at home, and with Christmas around the corner, the family was blessed to all be together and support each other. I will never forget the day my Grandma passed. Everyone went to a movie/the mall/or to get lunch to let my Grandma rest and to clear their heads. They had all just been in to kiss my Granddma,and give her hugs, while she was slipping in and out, in and out. My mom, my Aunt and I decided to stay at the house so we could check on her, and clean the place up. Within minutes of everyone leaving, my Grandma passed. It was literally like she was waiting to have everyone's blessings and goodbyes before she left us. It was almost "magical" in the weirdest way possible. We were all able to be there, kiss her, let her go essentially. And all the while my Grandma hung on, and clung to her life waiting on her children, and grandchildren to say their goodbyes.

After my Grandma passed, my Grandpa was alone. Just that. Alone. He didn't know a life without my Grandma. My twin sister moved in with him to keep him company and help him process his feelings. Nothing seemed to help. Although physically he was healthy, and was still exercising, his heart was broken. And not in a way that younger people can relate to. In a way that can never be mended with "time"--his love, his wife, the mother of his children, had passed, and left him to conquer this world on his own. Their marriage was gone but that gold band still clung tight to his left finger. He talked about Grandma all the time. Talked about how love is so fragile, tender and beautiful. He whispered at night, "I love you Regine", he walked around the house, fixing her purse that still hung around their chair, straightening the pictures of them as young, new parents. That's all he knew to do. After two years of living with a broken heart, it really took a toll on his body. Within a year my Grandpa has lost a substantial amt of weight, lost his appetite, lost his words, his coherency, and after making it clear he wanted nothing prolonging his life...he is ready.
i know...
that this is a hard time, yet is all too familiar to us with my Grandma. With both of them, we have received such a short period of time left with them. I have gone to see my grandpa, held his hand, told him I love him and prayed for a glimmer, a spark--something that lets me know he knows me. I brought Levi in to see him and he opened his eyes so big, his lips curled up and his eyes twinkled. Levi shot him a shy smile and we had him there for a few seconds. But, that's all i needed. I am so thankful that Levi has gotten a chance to be with his Great Grandfather these past 16 months...but sadly, i know Levi will not have memories of him as he gets older. What i do know, is i will have memories to last a LIFETIME. I will not list all of them because this post is becoming emotional as it is..but i do know how lucky my sisters and I are to have essentially grown up with my Grandma and Grandpa. We have seen them strong and weak, happy and broken. But in these next days or weeks in my Grandpa's life, i will sing. I will sing obnoxious songs about absolutely nothing, because my Grandpa always did that. I will look at the love of my life and know this is not forever, this is until God chooses to take us away from each other and this moment is all we are certain of. I will look at my fragile Grandpa, as he is asleep (hopefully dreaming of my Grandma) and know how lucky I am to have such memories--that i can smile about. That i can share with my kids one day.
i know...
That my Grandpa accepted Christ just a few short weeks ago. I know that he is headed to a beautiful, beautiful eternity. I know how important it is to me that Levi have a beautiful relationship with my Mom and Dad, as well as Joshs'. Grandparents really are a gift from God, and I am so lucky to have called Regine & Sheldon my Mamaw & Papaw.

Monday, February 4, 2013

blah days can have some meaning...

this morning...
My Husband was supposed to wake me up since my phone charger is suucking right now. Well, he tells me he told me to wake up, but i'm pretty sure that's not true. Anyway, missed my class this morning--no biggie. But, simple things like sleeping in can do some real good for the soul. I got some extra cuddle time with my Hubby, which almost never happens in the morning, because i'm either at school or he is at work. Then, our little man woke up and he snugggled in bed with us for about an hour.
the little things...
for me are just that. Sleeping in and cuddling with the two most amazing boys in my life. That extra 2 hours just laying there in silence, where nothing else matters, not even the class i just missed--then suddenly hearing giggles as soon as Josh tickles Levi under the covers. Those little moments are perfect. It really soothes the discomfort I find in my days every now and then--especially the winter blues. When Levi plops his cheek on my cheek (to where i can hardly breathe--but don't want to move, because its so perfect), is when we connect. I'm his Mommy and he's my baby--forever. No one can change that. His love that he has for me is so unconditional- he doesn't care if i've worn sweats all day, have no make-up on, read him my textbooks about Education, whether i'm stressed--he just plops his cheek on mine--and that right there is love, he needs me and I need him. The bond my little family has together is one that cannot be broken. Seeing Levi look into Josh's eyes is the biggest heart melter i know. Josh is such a great Dad and Levi absolutely LOVES getting attention from his Daddy. The way Josh squeezes my hand under the covers while Levi is hogging up all his snuggles, the way Josh does little things to keep our marriage fresh is what is most important to me. Its not the fancy, flashy life--which is not us--but, its the little things that makes my world go round.
These two boys complete me...

OKAY, done bragging.
What are the Little Things that make your world go round?

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Sundays are for starting a blog apparently :)

So this is my first blog with Blogger and I am pretty excited to enter into the blogging world. I already read so many blogs, i figured why not?
a cup of Hope basically comes from my dream of owning my own coffee shop with this very name. I am mildly obsessed with coffee. Hazelnut, 3 cream please. Actually, I really enjoy any kind of coffee, as long as it is hot and fresh! The idea behind this blog is to post my adventures as a new-ish mom and wife--as a record to myself, since my journaling has been lacking--and so this is a way to look back at all the memories in my life and a way to follow other women's blogs that i find inspiring.
Basically as an introduction, my husband Josh and I have been married almost 2 years in April! He is a southern getleman from Alabama, and with manners you wouldn't believe! He is my best friend, my rock and my forever.
 We have a beautiful--i mean beautiful--chubby cheek kind of cuteness son named Levi.He is so incredible. He is the chunkiest piece of goodness and is so stubborn/goofy/lovey-dovey all rolled up into one amazing little boy. He is 15 months old, almost 16 months already!--can't believe it! Being a Mom is such a blessing. It really is. You think you love your Husband more than anyone, until a little boy steals your heart. It is the best feeling in the world to have a gift from God that is all yours. Don't get me wrong being a Mom is STRESSFUL. I find myself full of anxiety, worried and protective over this little being. BUT, it is all worth it to wake up to smiles and cuddles every morning, and go to sleep with sleepy eyes and more cuddles.
Here is a picture to show you what i'm workin' with.--my little mini-me.
That's all for now loves. Follow my blog to keep up with a cup of Hope.