Well hello there, it has been how many months since my last blog post? I will not try to catch my readers up with photos because we all know I take a million and most of you can see those on my Facebook Page! SO much has happened in the past 9-10 months!
My life as a mama to two children under the age of 3.5 has been a ball of every emotion you can think of. Most days I feel completely and utterly blessed and thankful, but only when I stop myself in the midst of the chaos to breathe. Although, the moments in between where I'm stepping on bunny crackers and trying to keep Levi from beating up Lily, I am asking God, "Are you sure I can do this!?"
The truth is, I don't have myself together. Most days I look like a homeless person. I lose my patience with my kiddos. I think about the days where they won't fight going to bed, can put on their own clothes, can entertain themselves, can feed themselves, and you know- stop touching me for 5 minutes. Those thoughts cross my mind almost every day. The worst is when people tell you to enjoy this time because it will fly by in an instant. That is a given. The exhaustion that comes with being a mama is just that. Exhaustion. That does not mean I am not enjoying this season of my kiddos' life. Having two little ones is HARD work. Yes, its work. It is hard on my body, my mind, my soul. Sometimes I have no clue what I'm doing. Every. Single. Day I am faced with a new phase, challenge, situation that I have not dealt with before. I am learning every day. I ask myself that brutal question- am I a bad mom? at least a few times a day.
But what can I say for certain? God really chose these kiddos for me. I believe that with every ounce of my soul. They were mine before I ever dreamt they were mine. God hand picked Levi and Lily for me. He knows my heart, my soul, my strengths and weaknesses, and still made me a mother. He knew I'd have bad days and still gave those babies to me. If God knows I'm worthy enough to be a mother to L and L then why is it so hard for me to embrace that? I question myself every single day. Satan floods my reactions the minute my blood pressure starts rising or my patience is being tested. My kids have seen mean mommy more times than my heart can stand. I can't say how many times I've lost my cool then just balled my eyes out in the bathroom because I feel like I failed and took a piece of innocence from my children they can't get back.
But what is really going on here?
I'm responsible for the swirling doubt, fear and second guessing that goes on in my mind. Me and Satan. I need to lock arms with God and say "I will take deep breaths today before acting or speaking to my children, I will show love, I will model strength, patience and love to my children, because that's what You give me." The only way I can do that is by closing the door on Satan and opening the door to Jesus. When I am intentional about my feelings and the pull Satan has on my reactions to my kids, I feel like a rockstar. I am able to breathe, get on my children's level, and teach them in a Godly way. No crying, screaming, tantrums, fighting and chaos is to be the product of teaming up with Jesus. I have confidence, patience and purity when I am intentional and that is the only role model I want to be for my kids.
This year has been a roller coaster. Very few people know the steeps and valleys of this past year, but through it my faith has taught me so much. This is one of the areas I have been strengthened in. Having two kids is a lot of work. Balancing the needs, phases, expectations and personalities of two children is a project in itself. But God wants me to be an amazing mother. That doesn't mean every day will be rainbows if I embrace Jesus before a tantrum.
What it means is God knows I'm worthy. And He knows I'm meant to be a mother, and he reassures me every single day and night when Levi tells me out of the blue, "I love you so much mommy" and kisses me. Or when Lily just plops her head onto my shoulder throughout the day, holding on tight, or the way her face lights up when I walk in a room and say, "Hi pretty girl!" Those are the ways I know my kids love me. God gives me those reminders daily.
Its freaking hard most days juggling two little ones, as I just said ten times above. But- keep the faith that God will guide you if you let him! God gives us grace for the times we fall and mess up. He softens us and teaches us through those falls how to get back up again, chase your child around the house as a tickle monster, and have some fun being a mom! It doesn't have to be as stressful as we let it be.
My goal this week is to practice being more intentional with my kids. I want to be in tune with them by being in tune with Jesus. I want to ask God for what I need to embrace this season of my life. I want to shut Satan out and not let him have control over my emotions, reactions and words to my children. I want to give that control to God and let him guide me. I also want to pray for my children and my home as well.
I challenge my mamas to do the same in a way that works for you. Be intentional. Yes- we all know they grow so fast, but that doesn't mean you can't be exhausted, scared, frustrated or stressed out. Give that to God, and ask for what you need to be the Mother you are meant to be. Be present and aware of the words, body language and experiences you give your children throughout the day. Will your arms be locked with Jesus?