Thursday, May 30, 2013

How I learned to let go...

Day 30: React to this term: Letting go.

Letting go. Ever heard "Let Go and Let God?" Yeah. Story of my life. 

Let me take you back to post baby. This is where I have learned am still learning how  to really Let Go.

Postpartum for some, not all, but especially me was trying. It was in the months following Levi's birth that I really had a hard time with letting go of control. I wasn't a fun person to be around. I was snapping at my Husband for not using the right baby soap, or for buying Levi the wrong baby food, or for not getting up to help me nurse. I would build resentment towards family members who were doing things "wrong" when they watched my baby, or for giving me advice I knew was wrong-or not best for my baby. I was really a hot mess. 

I understand that this is pretty common among new moms-but it was at another level for me. I had anxiety really bad. 

I was scared to leave Levi in his crib, I was scared to drive him places, I was scared to leave him with anyone other than myself in case something bad would happen. I was scared to go to sleep, with fear of not hearing him in the middle of the night-despite baby monitors-. It all became worse when he used to stop breathing/choke on his spit up. Nurses said he never stopped breathing, but it sure looked like it. 

It became all the more worse around 11 months when were told Levi needed to get an MRI done because his pupil wasn't constricting. We literally got in to see an eye specialist at 13 months, and didn't get into Children's for an MRI until Levi was 15 months. The wait was dreadful. 

I remember the anesthesiologist looking at me when he put the mask on Levi's face and prepared to put him under. I was so strong up until this point. He looked at me and said "This is the hardest part. I have three kids and trust me you feel the worst and he won't remember a thing. He is fine, trust me." It was in that moment I started sobbing.There is nothing worse than watching your baby be put under while he is grasping your hand crying and choking on his sobs  and all you can do is say "everything will be okay" through your tears. There was a room full of doctors holding him down yet telling me its all okay-I was so confused, it looked like a scene from Greys Anatomy.After Levi went back into the dark scary room, Josh just grabbed me and let me cry. I didn't care that other families were back there. I had been holding it in all day, trying to strong for Levi and Josh. Josh had a look on his face all day that was pure fear. I cried and cried and said, "i need a coffee."  Then we waited in a cafe for an hour until the MRI was done-i just prayed in my head, out loud with Josh, anything to let God hear my desperation. 

Once we got back to the room we watched them wheel Levi out, and they put him in the hospital crib. We had to sit there, watching him wake up. I just wanted to scoop him up and give him some lovin's, but I couldn't. He had to be monitored until he was fully awake. Once awake, i held him, gave him some milk (he hadn't eaten for 9 hours) and rocked him. Once we got the okay to leave, we put Levi in the car seat  and I sat in the backseat with him. He was smiley and groggy all at once. That's my Levi. Always happy. I wish I could have his calmness and relaxed attitude. During the car-ride I just squeezed his hand and prayed. I really prayed. I prayed for the MRI scans to come back normal (Docs were ruling out brain tumors, masses, blood clots etc. In my babies brain!) I literally had no choice but to let go of the control. I literally had no control over how those scans came back. All I could do was trust that Levi would be okay. I cried and cried while Levi went to sleep that night. I picked him up in the middle of the night-prayed over him. Cried some more, knowing we would find out the results the next day. I felt peace that night when I went to sleep. I let go and came to terms that whatever it is, I will face it head on and God will get us through.

I made Josh call the next day over and over until they told us the results.

Finally they came back-everything was normal. I was shocked. Months and months of worrying-and Levi was fine. All we needed to do was a follow up with the eye doctor. I demanded to speak to the ophthalmologist immediately just to have him explain this to me. He got on the phone and he said Levi's brain was normal and now we just focus on his vision-all scary stuff was ruled out-I guess when these things happen with babies, they have to do MRIs since babies can't explain symptoms. 

I really have learned a lot about being a mommy. You can control some things, others you can't. In the months leading up to Levi's MRI I researched a lot. i wanted to be prepared for what it could be. But in reality I should have prayed instead of researched (cause lets face it, googling things is a bad, bad idea. Especially when it comes to your baby.) I should have trusted instead of doubted. My heart broke the day we got good news that Levi was okay-Because I know a lot of parents don't get that news. I am thankful for the lessons I am learning throughout my journey of being a mama and the biggest is Let Go and Let God.
Levi's 18 month appointment went great. His vision is fine and is developing normally! He may just have a dilated pupil, but I say that makes him unique!

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