She is here! |My Birth Story|

Lily Rain born on her due date July 29th at 8:08 a.m. 7 lbs 4 oz, 20 inches long- little sweetie pie.








I don't think I will ever forget this day, as it was the most beautiful thing I have ever been a part of. But since I am an avid journal and memory keeper,- I want to write it down just in case the details seem blurry one day.

So here goes-
Monday July 28th- 39 weeks and 6 days I am at the Midwife's office being seen by Emily. I was a little nervous going into my appointment, curious to see if I made progression since the week before ( 1.5 cm dilated, 60% effaced, -3 Station) Emily and I discussed the C-Section I had scheduled a week from my due date and I was sick to my stomach thinking it would get to that point where I had to force Lily to come out. All I wanted as a whole was for her to come when she was ready, and when God intended her to. Emily and I then planned on an option that still left me weary but sat better with me: A scheduled induction rather than a C-Section for the following Tuesday. She then checked me and I was a 3, still 60% and now a -2 Station. Emily mentioned Lily still being high and it might be hard to break my water and pitocin would be needed to move things along the next week if it got to that. I was so bummed. She stripped my membranes (HOLY OW) and we joked that if it worked it would work in the next 24 hours and she was on call the next day, and would love to deliver my babe.

I left the office discouraged.
I prayed for peace and still had high hopes Lily would come on her own.

Emily and I mentioned natural ways to help labor commence and it would only work if my body and baby were ready. I decided to try out my pump later that afternoon. It brought on contractions but nothing consistent. I then tried acupressure on my hand, ankle and pinky toes. (The pinky toe points work for real!)

I decided to take Levi on a walk to the park, at this point it was 7 pm. I had  few contractions on the way to and from the park and decided to note them in my phone. (I was supposed to call when my contractions were 8-10 minutes apart, since I was attempting a VBAC, I needed to be monitored sooner to make sure Lily's heart rate stayed normal) Nothing was too consistent. I had dinner, then decided to go on another walk. When I got back I put Levi to bed and the thought that this could be my last night tucking him in made me excited and nervous and sad all at the same time. I wasn't getting too hopeful though. This could be false labor, right?

I tried my pump again at 8:45. This time the contractions were coming pretty consistent so Josh told me I should quit the pump to see if they kept up afterwards. At this time we were joking about how this could be it, but it couldn't be, right?

I decided to shower, shave my legs and straighten my hair... JUST IN CASE!

At this point- 9:30 pm, Josh decided to head to bed and I did too. Afterall, I would know if this was real labor if the contractions kept up while I was laying down. They did. I was keeping the times written down in my phone and kept second guessing myself. I remember one contraction would be 7 minutes apart, then the next one would be 11 minutes apart. I was thinking well 11 minutes isn't 8-10 minutes so that one doesn't count. I was praying for stronger contractions so I would know if it was real.

Finally after putting it off for a few hours I made a call to the midwife on call, Pat. around 12 a.m. She asked me if I thought it was the real thing, and I thought I don't know! That's why I'm calling! Haha. My stomach was in knots, was I really ready for this!? Pat told me to go ahead and head in to triage and get checked.

I went to wake up Josh, who was being such a sleepy head. He obviously didn't think I was serious, but I started getting more nervous. After getting off the phone with Pat, I started packing all our stuff and getting things ready to go to the car, and the contractions were then progressing to 7-8 minutes apart. I was telling Josh with more urgency to get the heck up we needed to go. I was so concerned about waiting at this point, because I wanted to make sure my Lily was okay and handling the contractions okay. (Uterine rupture was playing in my mind over and over-even the less than 2% it happens to, I wanted to be in the hospital right away in case!)

After Josh's lengthy shower we finally got in the car. We left a note out for his mom and let her know that my mom would be by at 6:45 a.m. to pick up Levi, but we didn't want to wake her in case it wasn't the real thing. Pshhh...

The drive was pretty typical. Bumpy roads hurt like hell, the contractions were now 5-7 minutes apart and the intensity kicked up a few notches. Josh wasn't driving fast enough, then he was driving too slow. The thought of being pulled over for speeding and prolonging our time to get to the hospital made my stomach turn even more.

We finally park and the damn Main Entrance was locked! We had to walk into another entrance, get a security guard to walk us to the front and unlock the door for us. Talk about frustrating. Then he so kindly took us to the maternity floor so I immediately was grateful as we never took a hospital tour.

Then lovely triage. The lady took forever to check me in even though my pre-registration had been completed for weeks. Once I get into triage, the contractions were very intense, but manageable to where I could lay in bed. I got monitors put on my belly to check Lily's heartbeat. I had to lay there for 20 minutes and the nurse would come back to check me and decide if I would stay or go home. I immediately said, just so you know the epidural is in my birth plan and I expect it ASAP. That's how bad the contractions were. She checked me, I was only 3 cm-bummed I prayed that within the next 20 minutes I would be a 4 so I could be checked in and get the epidural. Within the 20 minutes of being monitored, Josh snoozed and I was gritting my teeth in bed when all of a sudden I had to run to the bathroom and throw up. I chalked it up to nerves. The nurse came back in and said Pat wants you to walk for 20 minutes to make sure you're progressing and I'll check you after that 20 minutes. At this point the thought of walking was unimaginable. 20 minutes ago I was 3 cm so I needed to get my butt up and walk so I would be a 4! That's all I kept thinking. As soon as we got to the hallway, I was having contractions on top of each other with literally 20 second breaks. As soon as I went to take 2 steps another contraction would come on. These contractions were no joke. I had no idea how to manage them. I gripped the hallway rails and literally was moaning so loud, kind of screaming/crying. I kept telling Josh that something was wrong, there was no way it should hurt this bad at 3cm. He encouraged me to keep walking, but I couldn't. I was feeling burning down the back of my legs, my back was on fire, my uterus was contracting and the feeling was the worst pain I've ever had in my life. The nurses were all at their station listening to me in pain. I kept thinking surely they hear me and will know this isn't normal and will come give me the epidural. I was shaky, could barely stand and Josh had no idea what to do. I had no idea what to tell him to do. I DID NOT TAKE NATURAL BIRTH CLASSES FOR A REASON-it was not in my birth plan! All I could do was put my entire weight into those hallway rails and moan loudly. In between contractions I tried to tell myself I could get through it and I would have a break in between. Finally after about 15 minutes of this my triage nurse said, Honey let's check you, you sound like you're in pain- DUH! I'm not a wimp, this was on a whole different level. She asked me to get in bed, I pleaded for her to check me standing up, but she told me I needed to get up in bed real quick. Low and behold she shoves her hand up there and the look on her face is something I will never forget. She said...

Oh my gosh, you have a bulging bag and you're a 9.
I immediately screamed, no! I need the epidural I can't do this! Then a contraction came on and I said, omg she is coming out right now, I have to push! The nurse said, NO! Don't push, you need to blow like you're blowing out a candle. I started blowing candles out left and right. I was then rushed to the delivery room. The nurse called Pat and said, Are you here? Yeah she went from a 3 to a 9 in 25 minutes, you need to get here ASAP.

In the meantime I am transferred to another bed, nurses flooded the room, they were setting up the baby bassinet, throwing on gloves, putting masks on, checking the monitors etc. Poor Josh was pale and shaking. I was still laying down kind of. I was so scared to switch positions. Nurses came in and introduced themselves and I just stared at the light trying to blow candles out. Josh was on my left, another nurse whom I can't remember her name was on my right. I was squeezing Josh's hand and asking him to push against me really hard so I could push back. He ended up asking a nurse named Heidi (An angel sent from above) to take over for a second because he thought he was going  to pass out. Heidi came to my left side and immediately told me how to breathe- once again I had no idea what the heck I was doing-I was not prepared for this. Somehow I was able to breathe into her, squeezing her hand and getting through each contraction. Finally Pat came in. I remember saying Pat- Epidural, remember I was supposed to get one at 5cm! She said honey, let me check you-I'm afraid you may too far along for the epidural to take. It may just prolong your labor with no pain relief. I said, can we please try? I can't do this, I promise! She checked me and said, you're fully effaced and 9.5 cm, are you sure you don't want me to break your water, and just get this over with? I said let me think about it. Another contraction came, and after it was over I said I want the epidural. She called anesthesia and they came in very fast actually to my surprise. Nurses kept telling me if I broke my water, I could have her within 30 minutes in my arms. I didn't care. I wanted to try for pain relief.

The anesthesiologist, I'll call her grumpy pants, told me I needed to swing my legs off the side of the bed and sit up straight. I was signing waivers with my eyes closed, trying to breathe and agreeing to the fact that I could die. Grumpy pants told me I needed to arch my back and sit very still. Well another angel sent from above, I cannot remember this nurse's name, stood right in front of me- I told grumpy pants hold on I'm having a contraction- I was literally bear hugging this nurse off the edge of the bed, breathing very loudly into her neck. This happened a few more times and grumpy pants told me I needed to sit still through a contraction or she wasn't going to attempt this. Finally I arched my back and told her to hurry. Having a contraction at 9.5 cm having to sit very still, straight up with feet hanging off the side of a bed was the worst thing in life. The nurse in front of me put her forehead to mine and told me to push with my head and squeeze her hand, but try to stay very still. Somehow I did. I was given a spinal tap to take the edge off first, and it takes quicker than an epidural. A contraction started to come on, I started to bear hug this nurse, started my breathing, then all of a sudden the contraction tapered off. I sat up straight with the biggest smile and said, wait-did it work!? Does that mean it worked!? Grumpy pants was then not so grumpy, laughed and said yes-good job! Now I am going to give you the epidural with a pump so you can control how much you get. I gladly said okay! And let me tell you. The relief is out of this world. As much as the contractions hurt, the relief felt just as good. I laid back, smiled and could finally breathe and relax my body. Pat broke my water then told me Lily was at a 0 station and still needed to come down, so she was going to leave and let me labor down for a few hours and Emily would be on shift. I was so excited for Emily to be coming in. She was always very for me having a vbac, and knew and understood how important it was to me. As were the other midwives, but Emily paid extra attention to my desire for it during my appointments with her. I was able to move my toes and legs which was something I couldn't do with Levi on the epidural.

I was so relaxed. I finally asked how Lily was doing and how she handled the whole labor and the nurse told me she's done amazing and her heart rate has been perfect. I was so relieved, I was on my way to a VBAC. I did get a fever though and the nurses started to show a little concern. (I was terrified when I heard this because with Levi I got a fever at 9 cm and so did he and I ended up in a C Section) Emily came in and immediately eased my fears and said, I would get you pushing before I sent you in for a C Section. I loved her for that. She was making this happen for me!

7:50 a.m. came along and Emily had me do a few practice pushes and told me how to breathe. I woke up Josh and told him it was time to push. He came up behind me with the camera and wiped his sleepy eyes. I immediately got emotional. The realization that my Lily did this all on her own, came down on her own and was finally ready-I couldn't have asked for anything more. That's all I wanted all along.I loved my decision even more for getting the epidural. It allowed me to relax and relish in what was happening. Everything was so calm and quiet.

The nurses dimmed the lights, unbuttoned my gown so I could have her on my skin right away.
I pushed once, Emily told me to feel her head, I giggled at the feeling of it!
She told me the "ring of fire" was next to get her head out. I had feeling down there, but more so pressure than pain-which I was grateful to not be completely numb. I could tell what I was doing.

I pushed again and her head was out. Emily and the nurses were so encouraging during this time.
Emily told me to listen to her carefully so I wouldn't tear. She told me to push again, then slow down, I hung onto every word. I wanted to do this right!

She told me to put my hands down there, and with the next push pull my Lily out. With help from another nurse I pushed and out came her body and I pulled her onto my chest.

I'm tearing up thinking about that feeling. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment. Lily was here. Big eyed, crying the sweetest softest cry, and immediately latched on and just stared up at me. It was beautiful. And my miracle. It felt so natural to have her on me, warm, wet and eating right away. I could not believe what just happened. Tears were streaming, and Emily said, you just had a VBAC! She's beautiful! I still can't believe it. I think women who want to have a VBAC very bad hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Its inevitable during any birth to think of the worst, but even more so when a repeat c-section is the last thing you want.

The nurses left us alone, just us three. Emily then came and delivered my placenta and told me I didn't tear! I did have a little laceration but it didn't need stitches. That alone was a shock to me. Everything that happened, was how it was meant to be. And that alone sent peace washing over me. I couldn't believe my body actually did this. I couldn't believe how good I felt afterwards, how normal I felt. I really felt like I could just get up and walk around no problem.

After Lily had some skin to skin and was checked by the nurses (which was all done with her on my chest, including her vitamin k vaccine) Josh went and got Levi. I wanted Levi to be the first one to meet his sister, and seeing him walk in with Josh brought on another flood of tears. Our lives were forever changed in an instant, and our hearts grew bigger without thinking twice. Lily was the new baby of the family and Levi sat right next to me, hung onto my arm and just smiled. He did say bye bye baby, which for the first time made me laugh and I knew he would be an amazing big brother and I just pictured her tagging along for years to come.

Then my Mom, Dad, Hannah and Holly came in to meet Lily. They were all taken aback by my experience and how beautiful she was.

She is already loved by so many. I cannot imagine my days before her and my heart has definitely created space for her.

Although my labor was very speedy and scary, I don't regret the team at Columbus Midwives for my care, and especially my decisions I made even at 9.5 cm. I am so grateful for my experience and it was a day I will never forget.

{P.s. Now I know why I wanted a birth photographer. Keeping my 50 mm lens on for my Husband to use was not the best idea. As every picture is either blurry or way too close. But bless his heart for trying!}

Life with Lily has been an adjustment for all of us. She pretty much sleeps, poops and eats. She is over her birth weight and is doing 4-5 hour stretches through the night. No complaining here!

 In a weird way it seems like she's always been a part of our family. Levi had a really rough first 2-3 days, but has turned around and the difference is night and day. I would almost leave them alone in a room together, almost ;) Give it another two weeks and this kid will be absolutely smitten with his little sis.

This was the longest post in history.

:)

38.4 Weeks!

Here I am. 38.4 weeks, with my due date approaching very quickly! I won't go into the details of how I'm feeling because how does every pregnant woman feel at this stage of pregnancy, 29 pounds heavier, in this Summer heat? All I will say is the second time around you feel every.little.ounce of being pregnant. The kicks are stronger, the emotions higher, the sleep more sleepless, the Braxton Hicks more painful, the urge to pee more intense, the days more exhausting. All that being said, I do feel pretty good overall.

Josh and I made a huge life change a few weeks ago, so that made time go by faster I will have to say. We were presented with an opportunity that came with it positives and negatives, and as an expectant Mama I was up all night debating it. We had people interested in renting our condo at a price that we couldn't really pass up. The question was, do we rent somewhere, buy something else? Well Josh's Mom-who has a rather large house, with an upstairs area that includes two bedrooms, a spacious bathroom and a loft area- offered to let us move in to save for a down payment, pay off debts/ student loans etc. Well. I was very on the fence. I mean I have a two year old, and a newborn on the way. We've done this before while we were waiting to close on our condo. I actually brought Levi home here for two weeks until we moved into our own place. It is very ironic to be back here, and bringing another baby to this very house. But I know logistically it will set us up to be financially ready to buy a house and will allow me to not use student loans this year. So we packed up our condo and within 4 days moved to my Mother in Law's. Call me crazy. I am. We do have everything set up and ready to go, so I'm just going with the flow and hoping for the best! God bless my Mother in Law who is so selfless and extremely helpful! And cooks yummy dinners! ;)

As far as Lily goes, at my last appointment, she wasn't "engaged" yet which was a huge bummer. I know a lot can change in a week, so I've been trying to keep up my walking, sitting on an exercise ball and saying a lot of prayers :) I basically have until 40 weeks to show progression and hopefully have this baby, because the chances of having a successful VBAC after 40 weeks drops a ton. I am still hopeful that I will avoid a C-Section, but I can't make Lily do anything. So in the meantime I am just doing what I can and trusting she will arrive into this world the way God intends. I have my 39 week appointment Monday, the Midwife will try and work a little magic, and let me know if I am dilated at all. In the meantime, you can find me doing figure 8's on my exercise ball! :)

It still feels incredibly surreal to me that I am having another baby. I felt this way with Levi too. I mean sometimes it feels like I will just be pregnant forever. Levi is showing signs of knowing what is about to happen, although who really knows how much he understands. I am excited to give him a baby sister and I know he will jump right into the big brother role with ease. That kid is resilient.

Its nice having Maddie here. She keeps Levi entertained and always laughing. It also gives me a break every now and then! She is a great Big Sister.

We did manage to get some maternity/ family pictures, and even though it was blazing hot and Levi was not cooperative we got some good ones!














XO

Currently

Today is probably the first day I feel rested, relaxed and actually on break. Yes we went on vacation, but I quickly learned what vacation was like with a two and a half year old. ;) There wasn't a lot of resting and relaxation going on. It was more like Levi's vacation. Up at 6 am jumping on our bed/falling off his in the middle of the night, tears after tears when it was time to leave the beach, running from us every. time. we. put. him. down. Going into it I had high expectations I think. I quickly realized that family vacations are better with a Grandma there ;) And maybe not 7 months pregnant.


With all of that said, it was such a joy to actually all be together for once. Josh's schedule has been insane the past 9 months it seems, as well as mine with school. So despite the madness and mood swings from a little blue eyed boy, we made memories. Levi experienced what it was like jumping in the waves, and my heart about exploded with happiness hearing a laugh I've never heard before coming from him. It was pure, elated joy he felt and we gave him that, we gave him that experience. He was extremely satisfied with unlimited sand to roll around in and play in, which was a plus when we wanted to just sit and breathe in the ocean air for a few minutes at a time. Levi ran up to numerous people saying hi, blowing kisses and hugging them. What a lover that boy is. He grew a liking towards airplanes as we saw the military jets fly over us numerous times. He would wave and chase the airplane then blow kisses to the airplane as it disappeared in the clouds. He learned that chasing seagulls may come second best to jumping in waves.


I was so happy that Josh was around for a solid week. Levi who always wants me, exhaustingly asks for Mommy 24/7 actually wanted Daddy to sleep next to him, play with him, swim with him etc. The cutest thing that just about melted me to the ground was when Levi always waited for Josh or I with a "Come on Mommy, Come on Daddy" so we were all together, then he reached for both of our hands every time we went on a walk. Even more heart melting was when he wanted to sit in the middle of us in our bed and he pushed our heads together to hug and kiss. Did I tell you this boy is a lover? He loved us all being together and it was enough to bring me to tears because sometimes I forget how much Levi knows and understands. He understood us all being together and it made him truly happy. So there it is. Vacations can be messy, chaotic, not relaxing, frustrating and limiting with a toddler, but if the outcome is a little boy being truly happy that him, mommy and daddy are all together then my heart is full. I would do crazy every single day to experience the feeling of being wanted and needed. His ability to love and his really pure and kind heart makes me that much more excited to give him a sister. She is already so lucky and neither of them know it yet.





















































If I think about what really matters, it was a wonderful trip and I am so glad we took it.


Currently being 7 months pregnant, I am realizing this is all real and will be actually happening in a few months. This, being a baby girl. I always pushed myself from getting super excited and consuming my every day with this new baby when it came to the room, the registry, the prepping etc. Now that it is almost Summer and we all know summer flies by here in Ohio I am needing to buckle down. I am thankful I am having a great pregnancy so far and still have energy to get things done. I start my online summer class in a week, so much for a break! So this week I have to use my time wisely. I have met three of the four midwives so far and I love each and every one of them. They are all unique and different in their own way but all have in common what's important. I love the stability and not being afraid to ask questions, and its refreshing that there is a common ground when it comes to Lily making her way into this world. However it happens, I am at peace with the women I chose to be taking care of us. I am now going every two weeks and my next visit I meet with the OB the midwives use. I've been prepped that he will give me a full and detailed VBAC consult and consent. I will also be asked to schedule a C-Section at term, which is my choice, but that will be their advice as the success of having a VBAC decreases after 40 weeks. This gave me a bit of anxiety, but I know I have no control ultimately how this goes down. I am anxious to meet the doctor to get his opinion, but I know it is important and I like that the option of meeting the doctor is even available to me. I am not spending my days stressing or worrying about how Lily will come into this world. Instead I am confident that she will come the way she is meant to and I trust those providing care for me to help me make the best decision for us.
With that being said, I am trying to get my butt out walking more with the more consistent weather we are having. Our pool also just opened so I am looking forward to getting some laps in too.
The baby shower invites went out. I am really excited to actually celebrate this baby girl. It is definitely harder with a toddler running around to meditate on being pregnant. Usually its not until late at night when I feel her tumbling around that I actually smile and talk to her.


I am experiencing lots of emotions about bringing a new baby into our family. I have such a connection and bond with Levi that almost seems incomparable to anything else in this world. Will I have just as much of a bond with Lily? Will she get as much love from me that Levi has had these past two and a half years? I know ultimately the answer is yes. But the emotions are still there. I hope to be as perfect in Lily's eyes as I am in Levi's. I hope Levi adjusts well and still knows how much I love him. I get a pang in my heart when I think about how Levi won't remember the times we've had just me and him. He won't remember the early morning dancing in the kitchen cooking breakfast, cuddling to Sesame Street, daily outings to play and explore, bath time giggles, me kissing his boo boos, our love for reading we share, the multiple crafts we do where he wants me to be right by his side, the clean up dance we do every morning when making his bed and picking up his room, the drives on the back roads with the windows down just talking to each other...etc. He won't remember any of that. It makes me sad. But I have those memories in my heart. We have lots of pictures, evidence of his first scribbles to his elaborate colorful paintings hanging up, and many years to make more as a family of four.


I think as a first time Mom we all have those thoughts like "Will I be a good Mom?" And of course the answer is yes.
Second time Moms like myself have thoughts like "Will I be just as good a Mom to Lily as I am to Levi?"
I just pray every day that God gives me the tools and the room in my heart to raise two children and give them both the love they deserve.

If I can make one baby happy and adore me then I can make another one, right? :)
Novel. Done.
XO

Lately-

What hasn't been going on lately? My mind has been swirling non stop with thoughts lately and to-do lists before baby girl Lily makes her arrival in July. Yes I said it!

We were SHOCKED. I guess you could say that deep down I thought we were having a girl. But I didn't know if that was my true inclination or it was just my deepest hope to have a baby girl. Either way, most people said oh its a boy, and I really started to expect that. Well once the gooey wand was on my belly, baby girl had her legs spread wide open and the Tech said, "Wanna know now?" And I said, "there's a penis in there isn't there!?" and she said, "No, 100% a girl. Never been so sure!"
Josh and I just stared at each other in complete awe. We've always made comments about having a little girl, that was Josh's hope, and we were tickled by the thought. Its no longer a thought, its really happening! Watch out Pinterest, Etsy DIY projects, and Nursery decorating!

So here goes why my mind is swirling. Regarding birth. Okay I know my first go round with Levi I was all Gimme the drugs, pump me up, make me feel no pain, wipe off my messy baby before handing him to me, no one look down there except the doctor, etc. etc. Well with that kind of attitude I had an experience that, lets just say this time around brought me awareness and knowledge-guilt and frustration. I didn't have an experience I felt joyous about, heck I barely could open my eyes during my emergency C-Section, didn't even kiss my baby before they took him away to the nursery, where he wasn't held for 3 hours until I awoke from the over-medicated sleep I involuntarily had. Long story short. I didn't have the experience I hoped for because I had NO CLUE what I was doing. I surrendered to the hospital. My doctor didn't think it was important to prepare me, I guess that's an individual's responsibility even if its your first time.

So here I am, researching, watching documentaries, asking questions, etc. Realizing that hey, my Birth Plan may not work out, but at least I know what I want in those situations and can make it clear to my Doctor. I'm swaying in the middle regarding doing a natural birth with a Midwife at a hospital, or with my Doctor, or receive pain meds. My fear about receiving pain meds is it can slow down labor, therefore putting me at risk for C-Section, and even chance me not being mentally there for yet another birth. I'm also attempting a VBAC so a Home Birth unfortunately (which is very, very, appealing to me) does not sit well with my Husband, as VBACS can be tricky and require medical attention in a blink of an eye.-But so can any delivery. Anywho, I am meeting with a Midwife to get information, get a feel for whether this is something that I can do, and if not I am highly considering getting a Doula to be with me at the hospital to help make sure my birth goes how I want it to (generally speaking). SO. I am a completely different woman than I was with Levi in regards to giving birth. Heck, save the Hep B shot, petroleum on my baby's eyes, and Vitamin K shot. I don't have STD's, so neither will my baby, and she's not being circumcised. Give me my messy baby and keep her messy as long as possible. Delay cutting her cord as long as possible. Let her stay with me, on me as long as possible. Don't mention giving her formula because I look sleepy. Don't wash her with Johnson & Johnson baby soap filled with chemicals to harm her already non existent immune system. Please and Thank you.

I also plan on nursing. I feel a little guilty about how uninformed/prepared I was for breastfeeding with Levi and I just gave up after exclusively pumping for 3 weeks minus the first 4 days he latched on great. I was in so much pain I couldn't even hold Levi -after being engorged- on my chest. But knowing the benefits a baby receives from it (especially long term) trumps any pain I may face-which I know will be manageable because I will be prepared!---My thoughts exactly when it comes to pain medication in a hospital. I find it so odd that you can't have this and that, over the counter meds, certain teas, fish etc while pregnant but BAM go into labor and you can have pitocin, epidurals, other meds, interventions, and ever MAJOR surgery. Hmm and your baby is not affected. Its disturbing that long term research has not been clarified- but what's been gathered definitely suggests a parallel to asthma, allergies, autism and more. Fear the needle?

I did read that a woman having a pain free labor/birth is equivalent to 20 bones breaking at once. EEEk!

Whew. You see? These are the kinds of thoughts I have all day. I just want to do what's best for my baby and I, and I am seeking out the best way to do so in a hospital. Tips, advice etc. from anyone, I LOVE hearing stories.

As of late...
I am 19 weeks and 2 days! Almost half way there, what!?

I am having trouble getting comfortable at night, I get charlie horses in my legs, my belly gets stretched the wrong way while I bend over and it hurts like hell! I keep forgetting I can't twist and wind freely anymore. My cravings are actually not as strong as they were. I'm really not craving much right now, just lots of water. I always feel thirsty. Lily is kicking away, not hard enough to where Josh can feel it, just me :) And I kind of love it that way-selfishly. Just me and her right now. :) I get out and walk whenever I can-gotta love the polar vortex Ohio has been graciously faced with. Not. Its the worst being pregnant and being cooped up inside all day. I am looking forward to having a baby shower-as I've been informed with a second baby and different sex, its OKAY to have one. Ha. Which is good, because we have a lot of the big stuff, now we just need smaller stuff-bottles, binkies, blankets, wraps, nursing accessories, etc etc. Little things, yet important. I am working on my registry now, which is fun. Its exciting this time around KNOWING what I need. Not just what looks cute and is a waste of money. And also knowing what I'm getting into (unless she is up all night, never dealt with that-please sleep like your brother Lily!) And when it comes to the nursery/shared bedroom with her brother, being able to actually paint/decorate budget conscious of course. With Levi we were in my MIL's house while waiting to close on our condo and nothing was ready. Its exciting to actually do the whole get the room ready process, I've never experienced that!


Levi and I have been keeping busy in his playroom which he loves. I HATE not having windows down there and using the fluorescent lighting, but as soon as it warms up, we can do a lot more outside. I would love to incorporate some Reggio Emilia activities for Levi this Summer, and really get him exploring and learning in nature. I can't wait to roam around with him.

 Levi is taking his time in the language dept. I know by now his pace is slower, yet still consistent than a lot of toddlers his age. But he's getting there! He's still on the 2 word phrases, but picking up more and more and I know it will only be a matter of time before he is talking up a storm. He is doing great in his big boy bed, loving his books more and more, loving to practice counting, loves stomping around in the snow, and especially loves doing sprints from the kitchen to the front door lately. Can you tell I want/need Summer so we can get outside! Levi literally doesn't stop smiling when i buckle him in the stroller and its time for a walk, he loves it as much as I do!

Josh is still working his butt off. I'm pretty sure I won't see him until Monday, as his classes are being made up this weekend ALLLL day, then he has to work 12's after that. His last week of class is next week though. Thank you Jesus!!! Its been a long 6 months with practically 1.5 days off a week. And I mean leaving at 7 and coming home at midnight during the week (except Mon, Tues Wed-He's home at 3) then Thurs-Sun night is awful. I am so looking forward to him getting the job we are oh so praying for and having him home in the evenings for dinner and on the weekends to actually spend quality time as a family and have normalcy.

Despite everything swirling around in my head, we are truly blessed. We are blessed with doors opening up for our family, opportunities, a healthy family, and of course a healthy baby girl on the way. Its easy to ball up my thoughts and make them seem like they are so important, which they are, but just not enough to completely distract me from life and lose sleep over it. Everything will be okay and work itself out. Deep breath, Hope!
XO

My pregnancy thus far...

Let me start off by saying that I look and feel pregnant physically, but mentally my mind has not grasped it completely. I am over the moon ecstatic to build our family. I've always wanted lots of kids and a big family and this is just such a happy time for Josh and I. Its nice that this babe was planned, although not expected so fast after only two months of trying-but, at least this time I wasn't balling and freaking out like I did with Levi--TOTAL SURPRISE--But I am still finding it hard to believe I will have two babies. I haven't had a newborn in two years, and its safe to say, I am feeling the nerves of another new baby already!

I am about 15 weeks pregnant, and feeling every bit of it and more. I never knew it was possible to look 28 weeks pregnant, have back pains, have trouble getting comfortable, needing to buy maternity pants this early on. It is crazy to me that this time around can be so different. I am having similar cravings as I did with Levi such as a bowl of Cheerios, Chipotle, spaghetti, clementines, hummus, cheese and orange juice. Other than the cravings, everything else in this pregnancy thus far has been very different than my first time around.

I am feeling anxious knowing I will have to share my time and attention with another babe. Levi has always had my attention when he needed it, my love, my hugs and kisses. I've been his playmate all day, his storyteller, his singer, his eating buddy since he was born. And I get a sad feeling wondering how he will be affected. When Levi was born I never knew what that kind of love meant or felt like, and he literally had all my love once he was here(despite his daddy). I've talked to Moms who have two kids and they tell me its completely natural when you have the new babe to love them as much as you love the first. I definitely believe this. But just like it was very surreal to me before Levi was here, that he would actually be mine and be in my arms, this time around seems just as surreal. Two babies will have all my love. And somehow, naturally, my heart will continue to grow when it seems like it can't grow anymore. I do know that Levi will be an amazing big brother, and he will adjust. My heart gets so warm and full thinking about Levi having another sibling to  share a room with, a bond so special with, and the memories they will make together. Its another first for  my little family and I am embracing this journey with a full heart.

Josh and I are exploring options within our living space. Here in this good ole' condo that will probably be home for another year or two, please don't say three. Levi and the new babe will have to share a room, as we only have two bedrooms, but we're going to make it work.

We are trying to transition Levi now into a toddler bed, so that by the time the babe comes we won't have any surprises. Transition probably isn't a good word, considering we cut out the crib cold turkey.

With everything we've transitioned, we've always done it cold turkey. The bottle, we cut that out without weaning him off. The binkie, we cut that without any notice. Everything we've done seems to have worked very well with Levi's temperament so we thought we should do the same with the bed. Although Levi could still have many months in that crib (He still has never tried to climb out), and its easier for us...I want him to be ready and comfortable when the babe comes. I don't want to have any new changes than what we will already have.

Levi has transitioned amazing to the new toddler bed. He's always been a good sleeper. As a newborn the kid slept 9 hours a night, and has been on an 8-8/8-9 sleeping schedule since he was a few months old. But I could almost have promised that this bed would be a free for all for him and that would change.

 So far, I lay him down at 8, read a story and sing him a song. We say prayers, kiss his animals and I tell him to close his eyes (and he actually takes his hand and closes his eyes, its the cutest). He  shuffles for about 20 minutes then is out cold. He then comes strolling in our room, around 6am, blankie and giraffe in tow, and runs up to my side of the bed saying "HI!!!" pretty loudly. Instead of putting him in bed with us to cuddle and get back to sleep (which we tried the first night and only made it worse,- my fault for putting him in his crib as a NB), I walked him straight to his room, tucked him in and said night night. He literally fell back asleep until 8:30 a.m. I mean this kid amazes me. He is so easy going, and laid back.


Nap time is another story though. I have to go in his room at least 6 times and remind him to lay down and sleep. Normally in the crib he would be out like a light in 10 minutes. I have taken all the toys out of his room so he's not distracted. He literally found a way to play with his 2 animals and blankets. He kept taking them off the bed, folding them, kissing them, then putting them back on the bed and repeat. Haha. I finally went in and took his 2 animals away and he cried because he wanted his puppy. :( I felt bad. But it worked.

Anyway.

Its important to me to take time to write about my pregnancy so far. Its hard to focus on this pregnancy with school, and chasing Levi all day. But I will make a definite effort to give this baby a few moments a day, as much as I can to just breathe and relish in the fact that God has blessed us with another addition!

XO

Reflecting on 2013

What a year it has been for my little family. We have grown, changed, learned, struggled and dreamed. I'll recap the highs and lows of our year. Its always nice to reflect.

| January |

Our little boy got his MRI (Scariest moment of my life to date) to ensure his dilated pupil was not caused by scariness in his brain. All turned out normal. THANK GOD. This moment really restored my faith, and allowed me to let go of some control as a Mom. 

| February |

We lost my Grandpa. It was a really tough time for our family, the last of my grandparents were gone. Forever. All we could hold on to was the memory of his laugh, his singing, his penmanship and his sense of humor. He was a great, great man. I miss him so much. I am thankful that he got to know Levi for a little while.

 

 | March |

Josh and I took our first weekend getaway ever as a couple, and for the first time we left behind our little man. I was a nervous wreck, but it was a much needed time alone. We learned how important it is to take time for ourselves. Our marriage really felt refreshed when we got back, and essentially allowed us to be better parents to Levi.

| April |

Josh and I celebrated two years of marriage together. Life truly gets better with this man with each year. We laugh more. grow more, and love more. Beyond lucky.

| May |

<Gasp!> We left our little man for another weekend getaway. We went to Put in Bay (my first time) with these lovely folks for Memorial Day. It was such a fun time and the perfect amount of time to sleep in, have a few adult beverages, and relax.

|June|

Josh celebrated Father's Day, we went to Country Jam (Horrifying experience), Levi was finally getting into the walking spirit. He was non stop running at this point. We had a wonderful, relaxing Summer together.

|July|

July was a busy month. We celebrated the fireworks, and we also celebrated the life of my Grandpa by holding a Memorial. It was so beautiful to see family from all over come in to share stories about my Grandpa and truly let themselves slip into the memories. 

|August|

Celebrated my sister Holly's 26th Birthday in Hocking Hills for a weekend of camping. It was another perfect getaway. It wasn't too hot at all for August and it was refreshing being in nature. Nothing but good laughs by a campfire. 

|September|

Josh celebrated his 32nd Birthday! We dove into Fall Season with bonfires, football and lots of trips to the park together.

|October|

I celebrated a birthday! The big 2-5! Levi also celebrated his Second Birthday, and developed an obsession with Elmo. He was Elmo for Halloween, and still wants to sleep with his costume at night. We had a lovely "By the Campfire" birthday party theme for him which kind of got rained out, but whatever, he still partied and enjoyed it!

Please excuse the lack of pictures for November and December. I have yet to upload them all from my camera! <bad mommy>
Here is some more of our year as a family:

| We began and ended our journey with Help Me Grow. Levi picked up walking at the end of Spring and attended school in the Fall. A month into school we were told Levi no longer needed services, and was right where he needed to be. So his case was officially closed. |

| I finished another year of school, and will officially graduate next Spring, lord willing. |

| Josh made a big decision and joined the Police Academy in September, which many people do not know yet. He will graduate in February. He has been attending school 30 hours a week Mon-Fri and working 40 hours a week Thurs-Sunday. So when I am down a lot about being alone, this is the reason. He has proven himself to be such a hard worker, he is so driven, and this is the most attractive quality a man can have in  my opinion. He really cares about his happiness and the future of our family. I am beyond proud of him. 

| Levi has had many firsts this year. His vocabulary has jumped leaps and bounds since the Summer. He is still in the two word phrases of his speech but trying hard to form longer phrases. He knows almost his whole alphabet and points out letters while we are at the grocery store, during a car ride, in a book, on a food carton. Anything. He is so so smart. We are working on counting and colors right now. As of now, everything is blue and most numbers are two and ten. ;) He loves to make big piles of all his stuffed animals and jump on them. He loves to read. He loves being outside and roaming. He does not like to be contained. He loves to color and take baths. He also likes to play with his Sissy whenever she is here. -And he is starting to use those vocal chords. Ha. All in all he has been perfectly healthy all year, has all his teeth, can undress himself, say a million words it seems, use his utensils, ask for help, and he loves, loves to learn. |

| I learned how to shoot manual with my camera. I even made a Facebook Page to get clients and practice on people. I have a passion for Photography and it has been quite the journey learning all that I have since this Summer. I haven't picked up my camera in a while to do photos for anyone. But I plan on it soon! |

| 2013 was a blessed year for our family. We celebrated holidays, we made memories, we laughed, we cried and we dreamed. Our goals for 2014 are: 

-Attend Church more

-Levi to have more play dates and socialize

- Josh to get a job doing what he loves (fingers crossed, could be soon)

- Me to stay focused in school and keep pushing through

-Continue to live a healthy lifestyle

-Go on walks as a family more

- Turn off the phones and TV and do things out of the box more

-Tell each other we love one another every chance we get

-Make memories that will last a lifetime

- Be creative

- Make Mommy and Daddy alone time

- Surround ourselves with only those who truly care and forget the rest

-Help out strangers

- FINISH LEVI'S BABY BOOK ;) |

I can only hope the Lord will bless us as we venture into another year as a family. I do not know for sure what this year holds, but I do know that I am blessed and fortunate to have the two best boys by my side through it all.